This Journey of musts and wants
Something strange has happened in the past few months, I unintentionally started on a journey. Actually no, I started this journey earlier, but it was not, until recently, that I realized there was no stopping, there was no going back.
If I think back, I think it actually started in 2014. Things were not well for me emotionally. Probably what some would call a mid-life crisis...except, I was nowhere near mid-life. Something was missing, and I started on this search for that something. Fast forward, some years later and after lots of conversations, reading tons of self-help books, and having some pretty crazy experiences (not all positive), I realized nothing was missing. It was just that I kept doing things according to everybody else´s expectations, and instead of creating a life for myself, I created a life for others. I was not doing much of the "wants," I was doing most of the "musts." Musts without wants are a recipe for disaster.
I am not one to give in to disaster. I have always felt that most things have a solution (other than death), and if they don´t, it´s a matter of re-framing the problem. I decided to start doing things that used to bring me back joy. You know, those things that you used to do when you were a child. Those things you did without anybody else telling you to do them so. The things that brought you joy. I wrote, I found a group of girls to play basketball with, I started a dance class, I started studying art, I started with yoga. I rebelled. I was tired of living everybody else´s life and finally lost the fear of living my own. I found a way to handle the musts and did not let others dictate my wants. It was still exhausting. There are after all, only 24 hours in a day and I also had a full time job and small kids to take care off.
The thing is, during this activity-intense period (that was also accompanied by a lot of critique as if the intensity was not enough), it suddenly became very apparent to me what were the things that gave me energy, and which were the things that did not. I also realized which of the wants were maintainable for me, in this stage of my life. I realized, what were the things that were worth giving a f**k. Art was one of them. I started going part time to a multidisciplinary art study. Not your typical, lots of homework and deadlines, but more of a free philosophical approach to art. I re-discovered this huge part of my life that I had downplayed for so long, due to insecurities, to expectations and to the silly thought that whenever you did something it had to be part of a goal.
So my journey began. At first, tentatively, with the constant doubt and my "impostor" syndrome, then a bit more sure, yet not sure of how. Until recently, when it took off with a fury that I have not felt before. It was triggered by a few coincidences, words of encouragement from those that cared and a couple of opportunities that generated thousands of thoughts, internal battles and more. But I could not talk myself back to not trying. The artist is out of the closet and she is not going to go back in. The journey has began.
I have embarked on this journey. I have a sense of direction, an idea of where I want to go, but that is not so important. Things are usually not as we expect them to be. We assume that the result will be one thing, that we will feel a certain way, and then often, once the awaited moment arrives, everything is different. We do not feel as we thought we would and we feel disappointed or we may feel that it was better than expected. In the end nobody knows.
In the rush of getting to the final destination, we often forget to enjoy and savor the journey. We sometimes miss out on alternative paths because the focus is so strongly on the final goal. Don´t get me wrong, all of this is, of course, relative. We still cannot forget the musts and the goals give you direction, yet we cannot be so inflexible that we become blind to other opportunities besides the goal.
The musts, they must be managed. But they don´t need to determine our wants. They need to be put through a heartfelt analysis: Are they REALLY a must? Why? Who benefits? Who doesn´t? What is the worst that could happen is this must is not done? These musts, are sometimes taken too seriously, specially in this time and age when we run too fast, when everything is a rush. If we just took a break and reflected a bit more, we would realize that there is no rush and that there really is not that many musts. It is we, that make it difficult for ourselves and sometimes others, with all of our musts. Then we forget our wants, or we may not even know that we have them, cause the musts have been so ingrained into us that they don´t let us feel our true wants.
The funny thing with all of this is that the musts are so much easier to do, when you prioritize your wants. I found an important want, in art, for now. A big one. And so, I continue my journey to follow my want from today. Going on a direction in a journey that will still have a lot of musts, but they will never again, take full control. They will not take over the wants, because we only live once and I am making it a must to pursue those things I want. I recommend that you do so as well. Think of what you want...and go for it..don´t let too many musts get in the way.
My Gut feeling
Life as we know it
has a lot of ups and downs.
In the past few years I had one of these very "down" periods. I used to blame it on the Norwegian winter. In Norway, the winter time brings long nights, cold and darkness. I crave the sun to thrive. After many years in Norway, I started to realize, it was not just the darkness. It was me, starting to loose myself.
When I was younger, I used my gut feeling as my compass. Those times I listened to it, I made life changes. When I didn´t, I got sick. I would get back pain, my stomach would not function, I felt hopeless and would make impulsive, but perhaps not so smart, decisions that brought me down further into a negative and sadness spiral. For the most part, those times I listened to my gut and made changes, I was taken into incredible exciting journeys that helped me grow. The restlessness and physical symptoms that came with my gut feelings, triggered me to take action which ended up giving me the most beautiful experiences I have had in my life.
At this low point, I tried filling up with lots of things and activities to avoid listening to myself. I was pushing down feelings, in denial that things needed to change. I was not allowing myself to process. I was suppressing my gut feeling.
During this "down" period, enhanced by the darkness, I started to go into a downward spiral. Luckily, I caught myself before hitting too low. I learned how to listen to my gut feeling again. It suddenly started screaming. It would not stop until things came to a balance again. I realized it was time for changes.
Yet, this time, I was more careful when coming in contact with my gut feeling. I was not to override it. It would not let me. It had come back fiercely. It was strong, passionate, and persistent. However, life had taught me that it is not only changes that help with the frank conversation between myself and my gut feeling. It was also important to talk about acceptance. Accepting those things which we cannot control. Accepting the risk, accepting other people´s actions. And as the four agreements* say, trying to accept, while not taking things personally.
Suddenly, it was not so scary to connect with my gut feeling. I understood it only wanted to show me something. It only wanted me to grow, to be better, to be honest with myself.
It was then I understood that the place where I am at my best, is the place where I find the fine balance between acceptance and change. That is my sweet spot.
It took me some time to listen to my gut. It took me some time to accept, and I am still in the process of change. But I am smiling. My gut feeling has told me that this new journey we have embarked on, will take us on an unforgettable path to an exciting place. A place we could only dream of.
I am excited. I have packed lightly and am enjoying each step. Yes, life is definitely a journey...not a destination.
*The four agreements: http://www.toltecspirit.com/
Inspiration in a poem - bølgelengde
A poem, Bølgelengde by Kolbein Falkeid, inspired this print, which I called by the same name. I transcribed the poem below, next to the picture it inspired. The poem tells of how, with age, one relishes in the opportunity of meeting people that speak the same "language." A language, that is not about words but wavelengths. Wavelengths that wrap you up in a cocoon of safety but are left behind in confusion, as the butterfly you have become, flies away courageously beyond the earth...
This poem, in a way, reflects one of my philosophies in life. A philosophy that people enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
The characters in our lives either change or leave. Often, we are so attached to their memory, to keeping things as they are, that we are not able to see how these characters no longer help us grow. At one point they have, perhaps, transformed us but they no longer do, and we are not able to see that we have grown out of our relationship with them. We are not able to see that suddenly, we have larger wings. Wings that can launch us forward and guide us to new people. Launch us to new experiences that will further form us, that will help us grow...and we stay, and we force things, and we don´t realize that the "cocoon" is broken. We don´t realize that the cocoon is empty. We don´t realize that it is time to move on. That it is time to let go. That it is time to fly higher.
